The Wounds That Shape Us: Childhood Trauma, Identity, and Love

Overview: In “The Wounds That Shape Us: Childhood Trauma, Identity, and Love,” Steve Elfrink of OmTerra delves into how early adverse experiences wire the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex to form our core sense of self and attachment patterns. These neurobiological imprints often leave survivors feeling fragmented—internalizing messages of unworthiness that reverberate through adult relationships. By examining insecure attachment styles, trauma reenactment, and Internal Family Systems (IFS) parts work alongside psycholytic-assisted somatic healing, this article outlines a clear path for rebuilding identity, restoring self-love, and fostering healthier connections.

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Introduction

Early childhood trauma can leave indelible marks on how we see ourselves and others. Prolonged stress in the first years of life shapes the brain: chronic activation of the stress response alters the amygdala (emotion alarm), hippocampus (memory), and prefrontal cortex regulation¹. These neurobiological changes make it harder to feel safe and steady in relationships later on. At the same time, children often internalize the messages they receive. If a child is made to feel unwanted or “bad,” that becomes the template for their self-image. As one trauma-informed review notes, children who suffered early trauma “often live with a profound sense of being ‘bad’ and ‘unwanted,’ and this becomes their template for how they see themselves”². In practical terms, a traumatized child may struggle to know even basic facts about themselves – what they like or want – because their very sense of “me” got lost amid the chaos².

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Insecure or inconsistent caregiving tends to cement this shaky sense of self: children who grow up with unreliable, frightening, or neglectful adults commonly develop anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment patterns³. These attachments are established early and tend to persist, meaning the foundations of our self-esteem and relational style are often laid before we’re even teenagers³.

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When trauma has fragmented a child’s inner world, they may cope by adopting different “parts” of self. An abused child, for instance, might hold a scared, vulnerable “inner child” inside, while their outward persona is tough or controlling. Therapeutic models like Internal Family Systems (IFS) explain these as sub-personalities or “parts” living inside us⁴. In IFS terms, everyone has multiple parts – an inner critic, a caretaker, a vulnerable child, and so on – and trauma tends to split these off more distinctly⁴. A helpful analogy: it’s as if the child became a one-person team of protectors and victims to survive. (Indeed, trauma survivors often report hearing different “voices” or feeling as if someone else moment-to-moment controls them².) What matters is that these parts were developed for survival, but in adulthood, they can make us feel fragmented. Learning to recognize and lovingly integrate these parts – for example, through IFS or psycholytic-assisted “inner child” work – can be a powerful step toward a coherent sense of self⁴.

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Patterns in Love: Repeating the Unseen Script

Once childhood ends, the story doesn’t stop on its own. Instead, many survivors unwittingly attract and recreate familiar patterns in romantic relationships. This is often called repetition compulsion or trauma reenactment: unconsciously, we seek partners or situations that echo the dynamics we knew as children⁵. For example, someone who felt responsible for a parent’s feelings as a child may find themselves drawn to a needy partner in adulthood – playing out a twisted version of the old parent-child dance. If that partner hurts them, it may oddly feel “familiar,” even though it’s painful. As one review of this phenomenon explains, trauma reenactment “is when we seek out relationships that resemble the dynamics we had with our caregivers,” almost as if trying to rewrite the past⁶.

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In practice, this means people with similar histories often end up together. A common scenario (without blaming anyone) is that two wounded individuals fall in love and lock into a caretaking cycle: the woman slips into a mothering/rescuing role, and the man unconsciously assumes a more dependent or “inner child” role. This dynamic can feel strangely right – each partner is acting out a role they know, even while it keeps everyone stuck in the same drama.

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It helps to look at the classic Drama Triangle roles to understand this dance. Psychotherapist Stephen Karpman described three shifting roles – Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor – that people often play in conflict⁷. In a relationship, the Victim role is someone who feels helpless (“Poor me!”) and looks to others for rescue. The Rescuer says, “Let me help you,” trying hard to solve the Victim’s problems, but inadvertently keeping the Victim dependent. The Persecutor blames or criticizes (“It’s all your fault!”), wanting control and rigidity, but can quickly flip into feeling like a Victim if challenged.

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In trauma-bonded couples, these roles can rotate fluidly. For instance:

Victim: Feeling powerless or afraid of change, one partner may act helpless and let the other take charge, thinking, “I can’t manage this.”⁷  

Rescuer: The other partner then steps in to fix things, often out of love or guilt, but ends up enabling the first partner’s stuck patterns⁷.  

Persecutor: If frustration builds, the “rescuer” may snap into blame (“Why can’t you handle this?”) and suddenly become the persecutor.

These three roles keep flipping. The person who was the Rescuer can feel wounded and become the Victim; the Victim can lash out and become the Persecutor. All the while, each partner is unconsciously replaying old family roles. Because these roles are familiar survival strategies, both feel drawn back into the cycle despite its pain.

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The Push-Pull of Intimacy and Abandonment

Trauma adds another layer to romance: the push-pull effect of closeness and fear. As trauma expert Janina Fisher notes, people with trauma histories are biologically wired to seek attachment, but for them, intimacy can feel unsafe⁸. On one hand, our nervous systems crave the comfort of a partner. On the other hand, if love has previously turned into pain, closeness triggers alarm bells deep in the body. Fisher describes this as a “push-pull” or paradox: survivors “crave connection yet fear the vulnerability ...

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Even tiny moments of affection can feel dangerous. A gentle hug might suddenly make one partner feel trapped, as if the clock has turned back to a frightening time. The person might freeze, flee, or lash out. This is not about lack of love – it’s a survival mechanism: safe feels unsafe because old wounds are relived⁸. A kind word might activate memories of a critical parent, triggering a surge of shame or anger. One partner might suddenly feel like a frightened child, or lash out like an angry adolescent...

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Healing Together: Finding New Roles

These patterns can change. Therapies like Internal Family Systems⁴, Somatic Experiencing⁹, EMDR, Polyvagal-informed therapy¹⁰, and Psycholytic Somatic Integration Therapy (PSIT)¹¹ help people regulate their nervous systems and re-pattern relationships. PSIT uses low-dose psychedelics to support somatic tracking, parts work, and attachment repair during trauma resolution. With time, partners can become co-regulators. They learn to pause, speak from their adult selves, and provide safety cues to each other.

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Moving Toward Hope and Healing

These heavy patterns aren’t destiny. Healing is possible – even for wounds rooted in preverbal life. In relationships, this means transforming unconscious drama into conscious dialogue. Over time, new pathways of safety and love can be created. Even partners who repeatedly fall into the same cycles can learn to stop, reflect, and rewrite the script. The adaptations that once protected us don’t have to chain us forever. Love, once feared, can become the medicine.

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References:

1. van der Kolk BA. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books; 2015.

2. Fisher J. Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists. PESI Publishing; 2021.

3. Bowlby J. Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books; 1982.

4. Schwartz RC. Internal Family Systems Therapy. 2nd ed. Guilford Press; 2019.

5. Levine PA. Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books; 1997.

6. Karpman S. Fairy tales and script drama analysis. Transactional Analysis Bulletin. 1968;7(26):39–43.

7. Fisher J. Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation. Routledge; 2017.

8. Levine PA. In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books; 2010.

9. Porges SW. The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe. WW Norton & Company; 2017.

10. Elfrink S. Psycholytic Somatic Integration Therapy: A Body-Based Approach to Trauma Resolution. OmTerra Publications; 2025.

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